Closure

"My Anchor and Emotional Well"

My grandmother is dying.
"She's getting weaker and weaker by the day"
They say that she doesn't have much time left and speculate that any day now that she is going to pass on.
And I am afraid to go see her.
I . . . am a coward.
I do not do grief well.
I do not want to say goodbye.
I do not. Period.
I know that she is tired.
I know that she is in constant pain.
But I am selfish. Unforgivably so.
I don't even go to see her, because it mindfucks me to know that each time might be the last time that I see her.
But . . . I am a coward.
My grandmother has been more stoic, more constant, more vigilant and important in my life than any other person I have ever met.
She made me into who I am. She taught me right. She taught me wrong, without doing any herself.
I fucking love her. I swear to God, the ethers, and everything that I do.
But I am not strong enough to say goodbye.
Without her . . . I don't know.
If it hurts this much to imagine her death . . .