Old Poems

Jul 20, 2010

"Unnamed"
I don't know how to reassure her.
I suck at it. Literally.
I can't promise her a stable future.
I can't promise her a future where I'll be making most of the money; I'll be taking care of our family; where I'll be the provider.
Because I'm not a liar.
I've never really had a plan for my future.
I didn't plan to work at the Loop forever, but I didn't really plan anything beyond it.
Last night, she kept asking me what was my future goal; my final destination and I didn't have an answer.
What would I be doing if I didn't live with Mr. Adams and Sean?
I don't know.
I didn't say that if I didn't have a home, I wouldn't be living.
I can't see myself on the street . . . I can't.
I didn't say that, because it's melodramatic and scary and a cop-out.
She said to me that I look at everything as if it's insurmountable.
And strangely, I do.
I've never felt as smart or as motivated or as well informed as everyone around me.
The only thing I've taken to heart from my childhood, learned irrefutably from my mother and father is:
Everything that happens to me, is my own fault.
I am the cause of my own woes.
That I should have been smarter and known more, even if said information was not available to me.
That I should take the initiative to find it on my own.
And that I'm fucking lazy. To more than a fault.

"She's Going to Leave Me"
Every time, Megan asks me about my future with her now, my grandmother's words echo in my mind.
Like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
Telling me that I'm not enough now, and based on past experiences, I won't ever be.
Don't get me wrong, she's not high maintenance.
She only wants me to succeed; to have money; to complement her.
I don't do any of those things now.
So, every time, I make her worry or cry, my grandmother's words echo in my mind.
And I remember that I'm not enough.

Jul 12, 2010

"Unnamed"
My grandmother told me today not to fall too deeply in love with her,
Said that, she, would devastate me, in the end,
That there's no way that Megan is going to marry me,
Let alone stay with me . . .
Now, I don't want to say that I just laughed it off,
Because I didn't.
That's actually one of my biggest fears.
And my grandmother went on to say: nothing is as bad as a broken heart.
I didn't tell her that I know or try to be sarcastic,
Because there was general angst in her voice,
As if she were reliving something on her own,
And I could hear the fear in her voice.
She doesn't want me to feel the same way,
To know that kind of agony;
So I appreciate the sentiment.
Really I do.
I just don't want to plan for a future where she isn't in it.
That's like letting go of the steering wheel and smashing the accelerator,
I don't want to facilitate a crumbling of our bridge.
I'll say it: I love her.
I want to marry her.
Just not yet, and I don't want to plan for the day when she does leave me for not being enough.

Nov 6, 2009

"Forward Progression"
So much potential, squandered, but not.
A full-on contradiction, I smile, laugh, and sneer at myself.
Like really, 'are you that ridiculous'?
'Will you really not take that extra bit of effort to change your circumstances?'
And then I smirk even wider, knowing that others have done so much more, with so much less.
Have tackled so much bigger things, and I lounge about in mediocrity and complacency.
And then I wonder, "Why?"
And in the immediate instance after, repeat a quote from a book: "the question is always deeper than the answer."

"Got It Backwards"
The interesting thing is that girls always ask me why I don't have a girlfriend already.
Always say that it's wild, because I'm such a good guy, or not a Creeper, or so smart.
That I'm so nice and such and such.
Not really understanding how arrogant I am, and how odd the majority of girls seem to be.
I think they (the majority) want a nice guy.
Want someone that will treat them with respect, but have it so twisted in their mind, that there is no such thing.
"But there's so many more women than men in the world"
Meaning that girls have the power, the ability to change us if they wanted.
But they don't.
They just accept the typical, assholish, jockish brute that treats them like property, a pet, and an imbecilic sack of flesh that they can consummate with as is.
As the way we are supposed to be.
So, that being their mentality, I stop trying.
I don't go out of my way to look especially nice.
I don't go out of my way to be especially different.
I just am (different).
And that is how I portray myself, unapologetically.

"I'm Awake"
I'm alive.
I breathe.
I sleep.
I dream.
I'm not dead or in jail.
I'm not crippled, physically.
Just suffering from ambition, but lack of motivation to achieve.
So teen-like still.
It's amusing and shameful at the same time.
I need to cow-prod myself.