I love her . . .

Last time, we got a little bit into it. Like I think it was better than it's ever been; and that's saying something. Once, I almost had an asthma attack afterward . . . Last night, I didn't think I was going to need my inhaler, but fuck if she didn't try to make me pass out. That being said, I savored every moment. It's a bittersweet activity to be in the throes of passion with the one you love, knowing full well that tomorrow, she's probably going to be like "We can't do this anymore" or on some "that was a mistake" mindset. Despite that knowledge though, I fucked her like I was stupid. Like I'd never get the chance to again. Like I was going to die today. In the end, nothing changed. She loves me just as much as I've already known. I love her just as much as I always have. We are still not back together. Our future is still not in stone. She is still debating seeing Servio for the New Year; going to watch the ball drop with him . . . And I'd be a poor liar if I didn't say that that didn't just kick me in the gut. She's my girl. My woman. My one-day-fiance'. But for right now, we aren't together and I've got to accept that. As a man, I have to understand and endure whatever life throws at me.

It's pretty funny. The other day, John told me that I "want her, but you don't need her." I tried to tell him, that he's got it backwards. I haven't done anything drastic or stupid or completely out of character, because I know that I just have to build her faith in me. Otherwise, if I knew that I didn't have a snowball's chance in a fire pit . . . I'm sure I'd not be writing this shit out.

I fucking love her. She loves me. But nothing has changed. Everything has changed.