Closure

"My Anchor and Emotional Well"

My grandmother is dying.
"She's getting weaker and weaker by the day"
They say that she doesn't have much time left and speculate that any day now that she is going to pass on.
And I am afraid to go see her.
I . . . am a coward.
I do not do grief well.
I do not want to say goodbye.
I do not. Period.
I know that she is tired.
I know that she is in constant pain.
But I am selfish. Unforgivably so.
I don't even go to see her, because it mindfucks me to know that each time might be the last time that I see her.
But . . . I am a coward.
My grandmother has been more stoic, more constant, more vigilant and important in my life than any other person I have ever met.
She made me into who I am. She taught me right. She taught me wrong, without doing any herself.
I fucking love her. I swear to God, the ethers, and everything that I do.
But I am not strong enough to say goodbye.
Without her . . . I don't know.
If it hurts this much to imagine her death . . .

Sometimes . . . Shit gets real.

"If Only I Had Full Control of My Feelings and Faculties"
A stupid girl and as stupid boy made a stupid mistake
And like all stupid things, it grew, it evolved
And like always, the stupid boy let his stupid feelings take root
Stupid, stupid, stupid, dumb
For he is only a boy, only a human

"So There's This One Girl"
I don't know . . . I guess it was my fault.
I shouldn't have let her see my cock.
I should have said "No".
I should have known my own limitations or at least considered them.
I didn't.
Now, I'm in a shit place. Again.
I don't know if it's budding Love or the desire to find out, but I do know shit isn't okay.
And that's on me.
I shouldn't be so easily tolerant.
I shouldn't care so much.
But here we are again, kicking myself.
Because no matter what I do to deny, to pretend otherwise.
I am falling, following my cock. Following my stupid, stupid heart into trouble.
She isn't Megan. She isn't Megan.
I know that. But I know there are many ways for a heart to be broken.

"Estupido"
"It's so big"
That little compliment and the allowance of my cock and the want of my company . . . was all it took.
Brian
James
Robinson
You are an idiot.

"The Wealthiest Hoarder of Apathy"
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a good god damn.
Fuck it.
Fuck this.
Fuck him.
Fuck her.
Fuck this game.
I do not have to play.
I am not a pawn. A mere cock.
A good friend.
F.U.C.K. I.T.

"Empathy, Rescind!"
Like a cover or a cloak, sheathe me no more.
I am throwing you to the winds.
Uncloy my heart with fragility and naivete.
Fuck it all and let me be numb and insensitive.

Ugh

I literally want to give the fuck up on women and relationships. It seems like a collossal waste of my time and effort. I'm so not into mind games or the cold shoulder or cute little flirtatious quips that never lead anywhere. I think I'm just going to go back to be cynical and angry at the world, at least then I was happy and not fucking stressing over vagina and the lack of it.

Jesus H. Christ?

What the hell does the "H." stand for? Just one of the few things that have been on my mind. I think I recently watched a movie that someone within said "Jesus H. Christ!" and was deeply concerned that I was an idiot . . . Then again, I've always been a little bit off. So, music saved/is saving my life and new women. It's surprisingly refreshing to talk to females that don't have their head so far up their own butts that they can't see the sunlight or smell their own shit.

I wonder

If I am a decent guy, is it possible to find a woman who is not a complete cunt? Who will treat me as I treat her? Because at the moment, that seems nil to impossible.

Lesson learned

If it looks like a bad idea, feels like heaven, moves heaven and earth, makes you want more than you should, destroys your confidence in yourself, makes you put all your eggs in one basket, forces you to ignore friends, pushes your buttons for no fucking reason, constantly nags, fucks like a porn star, swallows the whole of your cock until tears are in her eyes, cries to you, plots out a future with you that includes marriage and children, drinks with you, is jealous of your friends, hates your mother, is judgmental, is temperamental, loves you, hates you, disrespects your ambition . . . more than likely, it will be a colossal waste of your time. That's what I have learned. Two words: fuck you.

The last year and a half of my life, I feel like I have wasted completely. Nothing was gained from the experience other than the complete ostracization from my family, my friends, and my own pride, for no other reason than to please someone completely insatiable. To take so much emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially from me was easy for you. I, on the other hand, am left holding a wet fucking sack, picking up the bullshit pieces of the relationships I damn near burned away for a vicious, callous woman. Your career matters more to you. Your ambition matters more to you. And I, well, as far as I can see, was simply muscle, a warm body, and a hard cock for you. Nothing has changed, and yet, everything has.

Within a month or two, someone else will be between your thighs and I can only hope they displease you, that they hurt you. I do not, cannot, and will not wish you the best. I, fully and happily, renounce all love I ever had for you. You are an idiot to sacrifice what we had for nothing more than a few doubts . . . Don't misunderstand me. Your doubts are valid, but the inability to believe in me, is (I hope and pray) going to be the worse mistake of your life. I hope every fucker you meet is a douchebag, cheats on you, hurts you, lies to you, takes you for all you're worth. I want you to cry, to sob, to be broken.

Am I bitter? Fuck yeah. I do not like giving so much without reciprocation. It was never about us for you, only I-I-I; me-me-me. Never we. And that is disgusting. I want karma to fuck you over. I want nothing to go right. I want you to beg for me back. I want to smile and tell you to go fuck yourself.

I will be playing "Take This to Your Grave" for a long while, concerning you.

What?!

It occurred to me that my ability to articulate myself and my vocabulary, might be a possible hindrance in my quest for a job. I don't know for certain, but I really get the feeling that my ability to express myself fluently in the English language, while to me doesn't seem that amazing, is intimidating and a turn-off for most employers. At least in the restaurant business. I don't mean to say that the majority of workers, employers, and fast-food goers are dunces or the like, just that I think it's really fucking stupid that I'm overlooked because I'm confident in, and use my native language to the best of my potential.