Something like home . . .

"I Know It's Stupid"

But I am a fool.
I am stupid.
I am completely stupid for her.
Pretty words.
Lust.
And outrageous chemistry.
We literally can't be near each other without wanting to fuck the shit out of each other.
And she lets me.
Own her.
Love her.
Give her all of me and then some.
Always lusting, begging for me.
Her pussy tastes like . . . There is no other flavor like it.
And she lets me have it.
Gives me all of her.
We don't have physical limits and that's the best part.
That and the ability to stare into her eyes . . .
Smelling her hair . . .

:)

"Over My Dead Body (I Refuse)"

If you thought I'd give up, thought I'd forget.
I won't.
If you thought that I'd forgive you, take the higher road.
I won't.
You're a pure asshole.
You know it.
You made promises that you had no intention of keeping.
Asked questions, you had no intention of answering.
If you live up to your word, I'll be pleasantly surprised.
But you've forever been a disappointment. To everyone around you.
Especially to you.
Most especially to you.

"It is Definitely Changing"

Write it down in places that no one will ever look.
Hide it, scrawl it on walls that will forever go unlooked.
I wanted to be giving you everything that you wanted.
I wanted to be giving you everything that you thought you needed.
But that would take a man that you are not.
Not yet.
Thumbs up, kid.
Thumbs the fuck up.
You've no time to sulk or be a little bitch.
The world won't let you be. Let you remain unphased.
Grow the fuck up.

"I Love Love Songs"

Like the sound of the ocean waves crashing.
Like the sound of birds chirping and singing in the morning.
Like the warmth of the sun on your back, when you don't have shit to do.
Like when you've finally, relentlessly completed something that you wanted to do.
Apply that same ethic to everything and anything could be yours.
Put it out there and eventually someone will accept it. Will accept you.
You only have to remain vigilant.

"Lifted"

An anchor has been lifted.
Boat set free, with oars lost.
All I have to do is live.
No one can ask me for more.
No one can expect more.
And if they do, tell 'em to go straight to hell and fuck themselves twice over.

Closure

"My Anchor and Emotional Well"

My grandmother is dying.
"She's getting weaker and weaker by the day"
They say that she doesn't have much time left and speculate that any day now that she is going to pass on.
And I am afraid to go see her.
I . . . am a coward.
I do not do grief well.
I do not want to say goodbye.
I do not. Period.
I know that she is tired.
I know that she is in constant pain.
But I am selfish. Unforgivably so.
I don't even go to see her, because it mindfucks me to know that each time might be the last time that I see her.
But . . . I am a coward.
My grandmother has been more stoic, more constant, more vigilant and important in my life than any other person I have ever met.
She made me into who I am. She taught me right. She taught me wrong, without doing any herself.
I fucking love her. I swear to God, the ethers, and everything that I do.
But I am not strong enough to say goodbye.
Without her . . . I don't know.
If it hurts this much to imagine her death . . .

Sometimes . . . Shit gets real.

"If Only I Had Full Control of My Feelings and Faculties"
A stupid girl and as stupid boy made a stupid mistake
And like all stupid things, it grew, it evolved
And like always, the stupid boy let his stupid feelings take root
Stupid, stupid, stupid, dumb
For he is only a boy, only a human

"So There's This One Girl"
I don't know . . . I guess it was my fault.
I shouldn't have let her see my cock.
I should have said "No".
I should have known my own limitations or at least considered them.
I didn't.
Now, I'm in a shit place. Again.
I don't know if it's budding Love or the desire to find out, but I do know shit isn't okay.
And that's on me.
I shouldn't be so easily tolerant.
I shouldn't care so much.
But here we are again, kicking myself.
Because no matter what I do to deny, to pretend otherwise.
I am falling, following my cock. Following my stupid, stupid heart into trouble.
She isn't Megan. She isn't Megan.
I know that. But I know there are many ways for a heart to be broken.

"Estupido"
"It's so big"
That little compliment and the allowance of my cock and the want of my company . . . was all it took.
Brian
James
Robinson
You are an idiot.

"The Wealthiest Hoarder of Apathy"
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a good god damn.
Fuck it.
Fuck this.
Fuck him.
Fuck her.
Fuck this game.
I do not have to play.
I am not a pawn. A mere cock.
A good friend.
F.U.C.K. I.T.

"Empathy, Rescind!"
Like a cover or a cloak, sheathe me no more.
I am throwing you to the winds.
Uncloy my heart with fragility and naivete.
Fuck it all and let me be numb and insensitive.

Ugh

I literally want to give the fuck up on women and relationships. It seems like a collossal waste of my time and effort. I'm so not into mind games or the cold shoulder or cute little flirtatious quips that never lead anywhere. I think I'm just going to go back to be cynical and angry at the world, at least then I was happy and not fucking stressing over vagina and the lack of it.

Jesus H. Christ?

What the hell does the "H." stand for? Just one of the few things that have been on my mind. I think I recently watched a movie that someone within said "Jesus H. Christ!" and was deeply concerned that I was an idiot . . . Then again, I've always been a little bit off. So, music saved/is saving my life and new women. It's surprisingly refreshing to talk to females that don't have their head so far up their own butts that they can't see the sunlight or smell their own shit.

I wonder

If I am a decent guy, is it possible to find a woman who is not a complete cunt? Who will treat me as I treat her? Because at the moment, that seems nil to impossible.